Year 1975, in the Galán neighborhood of Bogotá, Colombia. A "Russian" Muscovite car -you can imagine at that time a "Russian" on the streets of Colombia- was driving along the streets, with my father very proud at the wheel. The reason for his pride was not so much the car as the fact that inside, in the back, he was showing off the two youngest of his five children, newborn twins: they were the revolution of the neighborhood. And one of those twins was me.
I was born in a Catholic home but where we practiced little faith. We lacked a lot of deepening and truly fulfilling God's will in our lives. But even so, my parents were concerned that their children should know God and lead a good and worthy life.
But, as always, if we do not assimilate the truths of the faith and we do not have a heart open to GodThe easiest thing to do is to take the other path: to choose to live without God.
Shortly after receiving the sacraments of confession and confirmation - which, for a long time, would be my last contact with the Church -, my struggles began. I began to live an easy and pleasant life, without so many commitments. I was completely seduced by the things of the world.
In this way, I felt that my life was already full: I didn't need God, not even my family - "I don't want to listen to what they tell me anymore, it doesn't matter to me...., I want to be "free"! -I thought.
He was 15 years old and led a double life. I showed a "good" face to my family and others. I even thought I was good for God, too, because at least I didn't kill.
But I did not listen to my conscience, it hindered me. I began to replace God with my gods: what is fashionable, pleasure, a world of vices, alcohol, and in order to satisfy all my vices and whims I needed money, so this began to be another of my great gods: the desire to possess and possess.
One Sunday afternoon, after several days of partying, I entered my mother's room and saw on her face how tears of pain, of defeat, without hope were falling...; then, with a broken voice, she said to me, "William, how long are you going to make me suffer...?" They were the tears and a mother's voice who cried out for their son's salvation.
However, my heart remained hardened, I was not able to understand..., I continued on the same path, a path of bland and meaningless pleasure.
He got and had what he wanted, but inwardly he was still empty and unhappy; my life had ceased to have meaning. Seeing things now, I confirm those words of consolation that St. Ambrose said one day to St. Monica: "Madam, it is not possible to lose the child of so many tears.".
God continues to wait, he is faithful, he seeks us and continues to love... He didn't want me to live like thisI am aware that in different circumstances of my life he wanted to draw me to himself..., but sometimes he begins in the way one least expects: asking for everything, even my sins.
Death begins to hover around our family.. One day my father's delicate health worsened: He was diagnosed with an abdominal aneurysm. After 30 days of struggle, he died. But the hardest thing was that six months later, my mother also died....
Without words, the Lord was asking me for everything.I had been separated from God before, although I obviously did not understand it at the time. So, if I had already separated myself from God before, now wanted to know less about Him. My life was sliding rapidly down a steeper and steeper slope towards perdition... But God is still at work and waiting.
As I said before, my first thoughts upon waking each morning were how to satisfy my disordered pleasures-which girl to call or which friend to get drunk with, etc.-.
But on December 18, as soon as I opened my eyes, the first thing that went through my mind were the words that I had just said to myself. my grandmother said to me before she died: "William, don't ever stop going to Mass, praying the rosary and going to confession!" Wise words from grandmothers... that produced a renewing effect inside me.
TSo much so that, after many years, I returned to obey. I went to talk to my parish priest and told him about the kind of miserable life I was leading. After listening to me, he told me: "God loves you very much and is waiting for you, so go home and prepare a good confessionand then you come".
So I did: after a painful examination of conscience, I went to confession and, after an hour of tears, I heard the voice of the Lord telling me: "Your sins are forgiven..."And a priest said to me, "Today in heaven there is a great feast, because a great sinner has been converted..." Blessed God
, was the happiest man in the world. That happiness he had longed for so long and had not found in anything else, suddenly became present in that confessional: "Go in peace and sin no more...."
Surely, seeing that I had practically freed myself from his nets, the devil must have felt terribly displeased and intervened with ferocious forcefulness. The Lord warns us that the life of man is a permanent spiritual combat: "...".Watch and pray, lest ye enter into temptation: the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." (Mk.14:38).
So, after four months of living in union with God, I ran into a friend from the past who said, "Hey, William, you look like a little old lady stuck in church every day. Come over and we'll have a beer." And I thought, "Well, one beer and that's it," but, unfortunately, that was not the case.
It was the beginning of a relapse that lasted about a month.. The same life as before, vices and meaninglessness... One Sunday afternoon, waking up after a party, I began to think and think in my bed: this life is not possible, the same again....
The anguish was so great that my body became paralyzed at times, I could not move, I only managed with great difficulty to call my sister on my cell phone stammering, "Come, come... I'm dying!"
The superman was paralyzed on a bed, my whole castle had collapsed: "I am nothing". I saw all my past parading before my eyes and I had nothing good in my hands, only misery.. God was asking me for everything, even my sins. I only begged God for forgiveness. I knew that, if I died at that moment, my end would not be heaven .
But God, as always, full of mercy, by means of this grace worked in me... and, again, to confession: I have fallen, but by the grace of God I was raised up again. "Before the truth I can only bend my knees and bow my head."
From that moment on, I began to become more attached to my parish. A very great grace received during those days was that, for the month of May, seven images of Our Lady of Fatima were always taken out on pilgrimage in my parish, one for each sector. They would visit the families in their homes.
On the first day of May, the parish priest said at Mass: "As you know, in the month of May Our Lady of Fatima goes on pilgrimage, so I am waiting for volunteers to take care of her. Ah..., but only one already has someone to carry her". I thought: "How good it would be if I were the chosen one, if I could take her in my hands and be in charge of her pilgrimage".
Wiliam Andrés Esparza Rave, a seminarian from Colombia who belongs to the Servants of the Home of the Mother Community. On mission in Ecuador.
After the mass, the priest called me and told me that I would be in charge of making a pilgrimage to Our Lady of Fatima. What a gift and manifestation of the Lord's love in giving me his Mother.! The time of these visits was reduced to the month of May, but I got to be with the image almost a year, and you can imagine the looks of the people....: the one who used to walk the streets with a bottle in his hand now carries in his place the Virgin of Fatima.
There began a special relationship with my heavenly Mother; it was no longer I who carried her, she was the one who carried her. She took me by the hand and led me to her Son. Now she is my Mother, my comfort and refuge.
I was very happy living this way in the Lord, but my heart began to get restless again... Lord, what is it...! I have you, but I am restless again! And it turns out that God began to call me to a more extreme love, to continue giving everything for him...: my work, my family, my things, my girlfriend and the project of having a family: He asked for everything.
Speaking with my spiritual director, he said to me: "Could it be that the Lord is calling you to the priesthood and wants you to belong to him and be at the service of souls?Me, priest! Hahaha..." "Yes, let's start to discern this well and pray a lot...."
Wiliam Andrés Esparza Rave, a seminarian from Colombia who belongs to the Servants of the Home of the Mother Community. On mission in Ecuador.
After a time of struggle trying to listen to the Lord who said to me: "Am I not enough for you?", I gave him my definitive answer: yes, only for Him. Now I belong to the Servants of the Home of the Mother. Our missions in the Church are: 1. The defense of the Eucharist; 2. The defense of Our Mother's honor, especially in the privilege of her Virginity; y 3. The conquest of young people for Jesus Christ; but we are open to all the needs of the Church.
I have been in this community of the Servants of the Mother's Household for 12 years now, and I am in perpetual vows. One of the many gifts that the Lord has given me has been to be able to be on mission in Ecuador for 4 years - we have some communities there, dedicating myself totally to evangelization.
I was able to help build the parishes not only materially -which is also true- but also in their spiritual dimension, working with young people in camps, pilgrimages, retreats, spiritual exercises, catechesis, spiritual direction, visits to families and the sick, going door to door to meet the parishioners and invite them to receive the sacraments... It is a work of the Servants of the Home of the Mother.
Those were days when you went to bed exhausted and could only say, "Thank you, Lord, for all that you have given me!" But, of course, since these are such intense times, prayer is very important..., or you are in danger of emptying your own life and that everything becomes a merely horizontal activity, like just another profession.
So my strength there has been the union with God: adoration before the Blessed Sacrament, daily rosary and mass.
I am now in Rome finishing my studies at the Pontifical University of the Holy Cross, and if God wills it, I hope to be ordained a priest soon. I am very happy with the education I am receiving here: so much love for the Church, the clarity of the doctrine...; I am not only learning, but also getting to know the Lord better, wanting to be in his hands an instrument for the salvation of souls.
I thank all those who in some way help us in the training of those of us who go for the path to the priesthood. SI know that the Lord will reward you for all your generosity...; but I ask you especially to pray that each one of us may be faithful to the Lord's will. For my part, you can always count on my prayers.
William Maria of the Eucharistic Heart of Jesus. S.H.M.
Wiliam Andrés Esparza Rave, a seminarian from Colombia who belongs to the Servants of the Home of the Mother Community. On mission in Ecuador.
Gerardo Ferrara
BA in History and Political Science, specializing in the Middle East.
Responsible for the student body
University of the Holy Cross in Rome
